I come back to the game properly after all these years and now 40 boxing is a cinch. Took me a couple hours of attentive grinding every day for a week straight in the past, and now it took me a few hours of pressing one button. God bless powercreep.

Granblue IP has been winning too hard lately for me to ignore, between Relink standing tall after 7 years of tumultuous development, and Rising commanding the accursed FGC's respect. Eased myself back into it during the 10th (that's right, 10 years) anniversary festivities, read some dissertations that would make an FF11 player tremble to get myself caught up, and then boom, it was like I never left. Hit 1b honors of my first GW back, gave a gold ring to Sakura Kinomoto, and I still have every version of Narmaya. There is great peace to be found in doing the same thing over and over and over again.

Time to physically and emotionally prepare myself for the next Guild Wars. This one will be a doozy.

I picked up Shenzhen Solitaire by Zachtronics a couple years ago and didn't think much of it. I played it a little and found it confusing and arcane. My mind couldn't think or plan ahead the way the game needed you to, and I got frustrated having to reset constantly.

For a long time I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy, in all aspects of my life. What is self-worth when you have so little with which to define one's self? The kind of destructive thinking that informs anything and everything you do. I have 3000+ hours on Paladins. More than half of that time I have probably spent frustrated- about my aim, my KDA, my game sense and knowledge. Constantly checking the stat trackers, getting discouraged that I can never be like the good players.

Shenzhen Solitaire has a way of sneaking up on you, as you sit there resetting the board. I got into the habit of clicking and slightly dragging a card over and over as I scan the board for possible routes, the way someone might shuffle or fidget with a physical deck of cards. The same droning ambient loop plays in perpetuity, to this day I don't even know if I really even like it. But I could listen to that loop for hours, and I did end up listening to it for hours. Turning it off was weird- the silence actually felt deafening.

Getting my first win was a revelatory moment, cause I had probably lost 50-100 times before I finally cleared the board. The feeling of accomplishment may have been the closest I had gotten to self-actualization in a long time. I have these moments of hyperfixation my entire life. They all matter to me in different ways, but solitaires a bit different. I felt like I was clearing cobwebs in my brain through constant iteration. I felt satisfied, and I realized I had stopped getting frustrated a long time ago. Awhile later, I reached 20 wins, and it clicked for me why it was working so well for me. It's because I was feeling, for a brief moment in the whirlwind of life, like I was actually at peace.

There's a lot of writing out there on what makes solitaire so compelling. Francine Prose wrote in Solitaire: Me vs. Me the following: "Like writing, it’s entirely private, the exertion is purely cerebral; you’re playing against yourself, against your previous best, against the law of averages and the forces of chance. You’re taking random elements and trying to put them together in a pleasing way, to make order out of chaos."

As I sit there, fighting against both my brain and the board state, I finally make a move that allows me to sort out an entire pile. I feel a feeling of elation that video games very rarely give me anymore. Its as if my thoughts have decayed by the constant low-level dread of depression, and I have sunk into the worst kinds of maladaptive coping mechanism. Competitive online gaming gave me an outlet to let out frustration and anxiety, but I rarely was feeling good whether I won or I lost. I was always on-edge, always annoyed at something. Even the act of running the game itself became a source of anxiety. Researching monitors, FPS optimizations, mouse polling rates and DPI. Everything felt like a constant tightrope and I think to myself, when did this stop being a game? When did I stop having fun doing this?

Zachtronics Solitaire Collection has allowed me a calm respite in the storm of my thoughts- a world in which I can both relax and challenge myself in a healthy manner. While regular Freecell and Klondike solitaire are very simple conceptually, they provide a solid blueprint for creatives to remix into extremely deep play experiences.Fortune's Foundation, with its beautiful tarot cards and complicated ruleset, is a particular standout. It has so many possible fail states that Zach included an Undo button, which is somewhat of a rarity in the popular Solitaire-likes. Even with the option, it's such a difficult game that I have yet to clear it. I have gotten close- so tantalizingly close- only to realize an action I made 50 moves ago has painted me in a corner. I realize it, I note where I went wrong, I reset, and I try again.

I think it has taught me to deal with failure in a far more healthy way. I come from a career field where making a mistake is met with open hostility, and I make many mistakes. It's so easy to internalize failure in the immediate moment as an inherent failing of either the self or others. In the smorgasboard of sight and sound that is competitive gaming, where its so easy to tie your self-worth with your mechanical skill, it becomes natural to spiral into the worst impulses.

The repetitive, calming nature of solitaire has become a therapeutic exercise for me, in ways I mostly imagined games to be. I long called gaming my coping mechanism- but it was hardly anything like that. Being able to find an experience like this, in solitude, has made all the difference for me. Gaming is a personal experience, as all art is. So what makes something like a standard deck of cards into a meditative gaming experience is just that.

In Solitaire, all that awaits failure is the humdrum ambience of the background and the opportunity to reset the board and try again. In solitude, I learned to center myself in the moment rather than allow my anxiety to consume my every thought. In solitude, I learned to give myself a chance.

Ah, the infamous Yakuza 3. Considered by many to be the worst game in the series, and it's easy to see why. Modern players who probably started with 0 and then full remakes of 1 and 2 are suddenly dropped into a slapdash remaster of an early PS3 game. And while they probably expected a less refined experience, they started a boss fight and proceeded to experience more blocks then a Lego enthusiast on a coke binge.

To start off, no, the game and enemy AI is not supposed to function like that. If you don't know, the remaster changed the game from it's original 30fps to 60fps, while not changing things in the combat tied to said framerate, which leads to losing heat incredibly fast the infamous blockuza 3 gameplay the game's become known for. I will say that while the combat at first sucks balls, once you get more moves it goes from annoying to tolerable. The games setpieces where you take down dozens of goons at once still feel great, but the bosses are where the flaws in the remaster really show (seriously, what the fuck was with Lau?) and generally aren't even that hard, more just annoying endurance tests as you try (and fail) to land a single string of hits to the boss as they keep their guard up for like 70% of the fight. But most of the new things Yakuza 3 introduces gameplay wise, I didn't care for. With the exception of karaoke which originally started here, most things were just kind of annoying. Especially chase missions, they were specifically the worst.

But that's enough about the gameplay, because the real selling point of this game is the plot. And god damn, the story's great. The general small town vibe of Okinawa and the orphanage is a great place to start the game, and seeing genuine growth for Kiryu as you help the kids is just really charming, and you quickly learn the kids personalities and relationships through the little quests. It's also great seeing Haruka become the sister that ties everything together. Not to mention the new characters like Rikiya and Mikio, who are also just really solid bros. Yep I got emotional during those scenes near the end.

And the plot is probably my favorite since 0. 1 felt like a standard crime drama that was slightly goofy in places, but still showed a couple growing pains from being the first one. And 2 had a shit romance subplot that didn't lead anywhere, I LOVE FORCING TWO CHARACTERS OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER TOGETHER TRULY. But anyway, the gang warfare was great, all the new captains were great as well, with Kanda being a really enjoyable scumbag, and Mine being a great foil to Kiryu, even if I wish there were a few more scenes expanding on that aspect besides a short flashback, and would have preferred if the game didn't go the 'redemption means death' route at the end. Also thought the CIA stuff was just kind of forced in at times, like they had the plot for another Yakuza game, realized it wouldn't work, and crammed them in here because the CIA guys with guns are really cool okay?

But while the main story is great, the side stories are just kind of...lame. Besides the ones that were continuations of Y2 side stories like the two comedians and the honeymoon couple, I just found the them underwhelming. Several feel like they're about to lead somewhere after antagonizing Kiryu and then just...don't? Like one where a guy leads Kiryu into an alley and tries to mug him, Kiryu beats him up, and then the substory ends. It takes like 3 minutes to do and doesn't lead to anything else. As I'm writing this I struggle to think of any really memorable side stuff besides the murder mystery quest and the urban legends of Okinawa.

But if this review is, for some reason, the deciding factor in whether to play Y3 or skip it like some say you should, I'd say give it a try. The story is good enough to forgive weak gameplay, even if I do recommend not going above normal difficulty, Kiryu's growth here is excellent, the world is charming, and it left me satisfied at the end. If not for how much the remaster screwed the combat up, it'd probably be above Kiwami 1 for me.

(or just wait for that Yakuza 3 Kiwami that's getting announced any minute now...

any minute...

trust me guys)